i look away and then look back really quickly to see if she was staring.
somedays, i can feel myself leaving myself. and i can imagine my soul saying as it floats away
abandon ship! abandon ship!
abandon
28 September 2010
things you learn about yourself
somedays, when i look in the mirror, i have no idea who's looking back at me.
still
when you asked me to dance
i couldn't hear your voice
through the deafening music
but i saw you smile at me
and even if you may have been kidding
i did want to dance with you
cheek to cheek
slowly in circles
like we were alone.
when i'm old i'll remember
fragments of that night
the beatles
moon clouds
the top down
the wind
we shouting
an exclamation point
25 September 2010
Eric y Estrella
"Teacher, I'm bored."
Estrella has a knack for standing where you can't quite see her, just outside of your peripherals so you have to turn around a few times to figure out where she is. I look around and notice the chaos of lunch recess raging around us.
"You're bored? Why don't you go play four square?"
She shrugs, puts on that indifferent face, lips pursed and eyes looking who knows where.
"Those boys, they hit the ball too hard."
I nod. She nods. we look out across the playground. The sun is high in the sky and the heat from the blacktop is raging up through the soles of my shoes. I feel my head sweating under my giant straw hat.
"So, where's Eric?"
Instantly Estrella's cheeks flush and she starts to fidget.
"Playing baaasketbaaaall."
"Which one is he?"
"In the blue shirt with stripes and blue pants. Kind of over there, I guess."
She stands behind me as if to make sure he doesn't notice that she's watching him, even though we're on the complete opposite side of the playground.
"Why don't you go keep score for him?"
I turn around to see her covering her eyes.
"But I'm nervous!"
"You said he smiles at you a lot, right? And he laughs when you keep score? That means he likes you."
"Naahhhhh. I don't think he does."
She looks down at her shoes. We stand there for a while longer, she gazing at the basketball courts from behind my back.
"Let me tell you a story, Estrella."
She perks up, stands hands behind back and eyes wide, looking up at me.
"I like this boy. I've liked him for a long time, seven years."
"SEVEN YEARS?"
Her eyes are the size of silver dollars.
"Yeah, seven years. Crazy right? That's a long time."
She nods in agreement, hair plastered to her sweaty forehead.
"Well anyways, I liked him for a long time, but I was always nervous to tell him that I liked him. But little did I know, he used to like me back. By the time I got around to telling him that I liked him, he didn't like me anymore. And you know what he said?"
She shook her head, eyes wide as ever.
"He said he used to like me a lot but he thought I didn't like him, so he moved on. He gave up on liking me."
Estrella frowns, leaning back on her heels with eyes pointed someplace deep inside herself.
"That's sad."
"Yeah, I know."
I watch her think for a moment.
"Well, I'm gonna go play now."
I watch her run across the blacktop to the basketball courts. I don't blow my whistle at her or tell he to walk, even though running on the black top is against the rules. I let her go.
I turn to face the handball courts, watch the kids playing, wipe the sweat dripping from my temples. I turn to the basketball courts and see Estrella looking back at me nervously. I give her a thumbs up and she turns and walked towards the boy with a blue striped shirt. I watch her say something to him and then I turn away. Moments later I see her running back, hair bouncing, he funny little steps growing louder and louder.
"What happened?"
She hides her face in her hands. My heart sinks.
"ItoldhimthatIhaveacrushonhim."
Her voice is muffled by her little hands.
"And??"
She stands quietly with her hands over her face. Then she rubs her eyes and sighs deeply.
"He said maybe he kinda likes me too a lot."
A little smile spreads over her face. She taps her toes on the blacktop.
"See? I told you he likes you!!!"
She laughs and bounces around clapping her hands. Then she runs away. I shoo a bee away from my bright orange noon supervisor's vest. The bell rings and I yell at some kids to freeze. I blow my whistle and children blow past me to get to their lines. Among them are Estrella, followed by Eric, both with cheeks flushed red- maybe from the heat, maybe from the excitement of their new found secret. I see him laughing as he chases after her. I see her trying to hide a smile.
I'm glad that you learned to be bold now, Estrella. When you're young it's easier. You're braver because you don't know what it's like to get hurt. Take chances while you can, because one day you'll be old and jaded and scared of another heartbreak like me, and you'll let your nerves get the best of you, and you might let the best one get away.
I watched Eric and Estrella run to their separate lines. I saw him smile at her and wave. She waved back. I walked to the my car, smiling to myself from underneath my big straw hat.
Outside the sun beat down heavily and brought the asphalt to life with the illusion of sparkling, dancing water.
Estrella has a knack for standing where you can't quite see her, just outside of your peripherals so you have to turn around a few times to figure out where she is. I look around and notice the chaos of lunch recess raging around us.
"You're bored? Why don't you go play four square?"
She shrugs, puts on that indifferent face, lips pursed and eyes looking who knows where.
"Those boys, they hit the ball too hard."
I nod. She nods. we look out across the playground. The sun is high in the sky and the heat from the blacktop is raging up through the soles of my shoes. I feel my head sweating under my giant straw hat.
"So, where's Eric?"
Instantly Estrella's cheeks flush and she starts to fidget.
"Playing baaasketbaaaall."
"Which one is he?"
"In the blue shirt with stripes and blue pants. Kind of over there, I guess."
She stands behind me as if to make sure he doesn't notice that she's watching him, even though we're on the complete opposite side of the playground.
"Why don't you go keep score for him?"
I turn around to see her covering her eyes.
"But I'm nervous!"
"You said he smiles at you a lot, right? And he laughs when you keep score? That means he likes you."
"Naahhhhh. I don't think he does."
She looks down at her shoes. We stand there for a while longer, she gazing at the basketball courts from behind my back.
"Let me tell you a story, Estrella."
She perks up, stands hands behind back and eyes wide, looking up at me.
"I like this boy. I've liked him for a long time, seven years."
"SEVEN YEARS?"
Her eyes are the size of silver dollars.
"Yeah, seven years. Crazy right? That's a long time."
She nods in agreement, hair plastered to her sweaty forehead.
"Well anyways, I liked him for a long time, but I was always nervous to tell him that I liked him. But little did I know, he used to like me back. By the time I got around to telling him that I liked him, he didn't like me anymore. And you know what he said?"
She shook her head, eyes wide as ever.
"He said he used to like me a lot but he thought I didn't like him, so he moved on. He gave up on liking me."
Estrella frowns, leaning back on her heels with eyes pointed someplace deep inside herself.
"That's sad."
"Yeah, I know."
I watch her think for a moment.
"Well, I'm gonna go play now."
I watch her run across the blacktop to the basketball courts. I don't blow my whistle at her or tell he to walk, even though running on the black top is against the rules. I let her go.
I turn to face the handball courts, watch the kids playing, wipe the sweat dripping from my temples. I turn to the basketball courts and see Estrella looking back at me nervously. I give her a thumbs up and she turns and walked towards the boy with a blue striped shirt. I watch her say something to him and then I turn away. Moments later I see her running back, hair bouncing, he funny little steps growing louder and louder.
"What happened?"
She hides her face in her hands. My heart sinks.
"ItoldhimthatIhaveacrushonhim."
Her voice is muffled by her little hands.
"And??"
She stands quietly with her hands over her face. Then she rubs her eyes and sighs deeply.
"He said maybe he kinda likes me too a lot."
A little smile spreads over her face. She taps her toes on the blacktop.
"See? I told you he likes you!!!"
She laughs and bounces around clapping her hands. Then she runs away. I shoo a bee away from my bright orange noon supervisor's vest. The bell rings and I yell at some kids to freeze. I blow my whistle and children blow past me to get to their lines. Among them are Estrella, followed by Eric, both with cheeks flushed red- maybe from the heat, maybe from the excitement of their new found secret. I see him laughing as he chases after her. I see her trying to hide a smile.
I'm glad that you learned to be bold now, Estrella. When you're young it's easier. You're braver because you don't know what it's like to get hurt. Take chances while you can, because one day you'll be old and jaded and scared of another heartbreak like me, and you'll let your nerves get the best of you, and you might let the best one get away.
I watched Eric and Estrella run to their separate lines. I saw him smile at her and wave. She waved back. I walked to the my car, smiling to myself from underneath my big straw hat.
Outside the sun beat down heavily and brought the asphalt to life with the illusion of sparkling, dancing water.
03 September 2010
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
you only keep me around
as a backup plan.
you say i don't know
to keep me hopeful
and guessing
and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting
andfuckingwaitingonyou.
seriously.
it makes me sick.
as a backup plan.
you say i don't know
to keep me hopeful
and guessing
and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting
andfuckingwaitingonyou.
seriously.
it makes me sick.
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