of conversations in the cold

on the first day of the new year under a moon just beginning to wane, you and i spoke in that same careful fashion- i (as always) was careful not to let on that i'm in love with you and you (as always) careful not to let on that you know, so as not to embarrass me. we spoke through clenched and chattering teeth and sat just far enough away from each other on the cold bench to keep our knees from touching. you drank my tea because your hot cocoa was too sweet. i drank your words and was drunk from them. we pretended to not know what each other's belly buttons looked like, and i sat and remembered for quite a while all the times i've seen yours. your new year's resolution is to be more assertive, you said. me too, i said, and then i thought about being assertive and kissing you hard on the lips, but i didn't. putting my hand on your shoulder briefly as i laughed was the best i could do. ah, it's so painful to talk to you, sometimes. this sad, stupid game we play with each other breaks my heart more than outright rejection would. in the cold, we talked. we laughed and we wished we could be aliens, and we talked about hitler and the end of the world. in the cold, we sat, our unspoken feelings frozen forever in limbo.

2 january 2010